Gargrave AFC

Grassington 0 – 2 Gargrave

April 2, 2011

Gargrave arrived at Grassington’s ground in a state of confusion, it look different than last time. After five minutes of looking around, it was accepted as fact that Gargrave weren’t playing in Grassington, but Skipton instead.

This revelation caused problems for regular captain Matthew Brennand who couldn’t seem to accept the change of venue – “If they are called Grassington then why don’t they play in Grassington? I don’t want any part of this”; he said angrily.

With the regular captain unable to play, this meant Gargrave were forced into a defensive reshuffle, and a captaincy change.

Despite many valid reservations, Manager Brown decided to give the armband to the weathered veteran Simon Boatwright, who wasted no time in expressing his desires to the squad.

“I want us to go out there and rough them up, if we don’t rough them up then they are going to rough us up, whichever team roughs up the other the best is going to win the game, whats-more if anyone of you doesn’t rough someone up, I’m going to make sure I come over and personally rough you up myself after the game, rough up.”

“That was a Martin Luther King moment”, said a pumped up Andy Seddon.

With the entire squad filled with the fear of being roughed up by captain Simon Boatwright, the game commenced.

Both sides battled hard, and despite Grassington having the better of the possession, they were unable to penetrate the Gargrave back line, possibly through fear of being roughed up.

Ten minutes in and the game was to change, one of Gargrave’s fun sized full backs Al Tudhope suffered an ankle injury, and despite trying to carry on he motioned to captain Boatwright that he would have to go off.

Captain Boatwright was angry.

“Just because you are fun sized doesn’t mean you are above being roughed up, if we lose this game I’m holding you personally responsible and you’ll be on the receiving end of the biggest roughing up of your life.”

But he needn’t have worried as Al Tudhope was replaced at right back by Andy Seddon, who was still pumped up by the captains earlier speech.

And it was down the right hand side that Gargrave’s first goal was created, a long throw by local rodent extermination enforcement officer Matthew Hurst found its way to the feet of Paul “if I were a sheep I’d be a Zwartble” (google it) Wilkin, who delivered a pin point cross onto the ever more shiny head of Richard “I’ll teach your children, as long as the school keep paying me” Orme who made no mistake heading past the keeper, making the score nil one.

Half time quickly arrived with neither team able to take full control of the game, but Gargrave’s slender lead remained intact.

At half time captain Boatwright was less than impressed.

“Why are we only 1 goal up? Before the game I told you we needed to rough them up, I turn around and I see 10 girls on this team, I feel like I’ve been doing the roughing up for all 10 of you and it’s not good enough, you need to show me that you want it as much as me, go out there in the second half and win, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr”

Unfortunately captain Boatwright’s words didn’t have the desired effect, as it was Grassington who started the second half in dominant fashion. They controlled possession and were kept out only by two good saves from Gargrave keeper Adam “Adam Hudson” Hudson.

This didn’t please captain Boatwright, and he decided to do something about it. This something involved a Grassington corner, and some serious roughing up.

As the ball was floated in, captain Simon Boatwright waited until nobody else was watching (absolutely nobody) and roughed up one of the Grassington players, this was a proper roughing up, the sort that nobody had ever seen before.

The stunned Grassington player on the end of the roughing up commented “I feel like I’ve been on the receiving end at an orgy with Mike Tyson, you’re an animal man, an animal.”

This blatant act of roughing up spurred on Gargrave, and a breakaway by Christian “SNOODE” Moon and Ben “I used to score more goals than this” Brown set up Paul “if I were a sheep I’d be a Zwartble” (it’ll catch on) Wilkin, who made no mistake and side footed it past the keeper.

Gargrave played the game out and despite the occasional Grassington chance the defence held firm and the game finished nil two, a welcome three points for Gargrave in their battle for a mid table finish.

The win was however overshadowed by Josh Town claiming the pink unicorn and dancing gorilla had just stolen his car.


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Gargrave AFC